Water Fast — Delayed Update

The needle stick nonsense (another update later) and the tragic, traumatic death of my friend of 35 years and her son caused the delay in this update being posted. I had actually written down the daily experiences including measurements of weight and inches lost/gained at the start, end, plus 1 week after and 1 month later. Unfortunately, the information was somehow deleted from the notes app on my phone.

Maybe, that’s a good thing. Although I did lose 11 lbs and 1″ at both hips & waist, the experience had me feeling weak and drained from the distressing bodily functions that ensued. I had described it all in graphic detail in my log. Since that is lost, you will be spared the disgusting tale.

If asked whether I’d do this again, I would vehemently shake my head. I will stick to intermittent fasting. It is easier on my body and mind. I have had better results in weight and inches lost with intermittent fasting anyway.

Here is a great article on intermittent fasting:

Intermittent Fasting 101 — The Ultimate Beginner’s Guide


Liebster Award Nomination: Delayed Response

The Liebster Award is an award that exists only on the internet and is given to bloggers by other bloggers. The earliest case of the award goes as far back as 2011. Liebster in German means sweetest, kindest, nicest, dearest, beloved, lovely, kind, pleasant, valued, cute, endearing, and welcome.

Thank you, BRAIN EMBRYOS, for nominating me for this award on December 13, 2018. I apologize for taking so long to respond. I am now beginning to pull myself together after experiencing a crisis and a tragic traumatic event.

What to Do if Nominated for the Liebster Award

Back in 2011 the rules were a simple case of acknowledgement of the nominator and to nominate 5 more. Now eight years on it is a little more involved and will continue to evolve as blogging becomes more accessible. If you have been nominated for The Liebster Award AND YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT IT, or you chose to start a blog post about the Liebster award; you should do the following:

  1. Thank the person who nominated you, and put a link to their blog on your blog. Try to include a little promotion for the person who nominated you. They will thank you for it and those who you nominate will also help you out as well.
  2. Answer the 5 creative and unique questions given to you.
  3. Write a small post about what motivates you in life (not just in blogging)
  4. Nominate 2 – 6 blogs that you feel would enjoy blogging about this award
  5. Create 5 creative and unique questions for your nominees
  6. List these rules in your post (You can copy and paste from here or simply link to this post.)
  7. Once you have written and published it, you then have to:
  8. Inform the people/blogs that you nominated that they have been nominated for the Liebster award and provide a link for them to your post

BRAIN EMBRYOS is a very eloquent writer who focuses on thought processes, the development of ideas, understanding, concepts, habits, emotions, and behaviour–ways of being. One of the posts that I find interesting is CURIOSITY EMBRYOS.

Creative and Unique Questions Answered

i. If you were a genie and a person asked you this wish, “I wish you would not grant me this wish”, what would you do?

ii. If it were your wish, what would that wish be (i.e. something you want, but know it’s not ideal in the long term)? (N.B. If part ii feels too personal, feel free to skip)

i: I would honor their desire to avoid the wish being granted.

ii. I have no idea what to wish for that would not be ideal in the long term as my desires are very simple.

Do news reporters wear pants behind the news desk? What does it look like behind the desk?

They wear shorts. Behind the desk, hairy legs can be seen.

Where do you draw the line between helping people and showing them how to help themselves? How do you strike that balance?

I try to avoid doing things for others that they can do themselves. I also try to avoid giving unsolicited advice.

Describe the colour yellow to someone who is blind.

Yellow is the color of the scent of butter.

If your life was a movie, what would the title be?

You Can’t Make This Sh!t Up

Do the people in your life bring the best out of you? Do you believe you bring out the best in people in your life? (N.B. If this feels too personal, feel free to skip)

People in my inner circle tend to bring out the best in me. Since I’m a good listener, I tend to be able to bring out deep parts of people who are in my life.

What would you do if you found a penguin in the freezer?

Let him out to keep him from suffocating.

Do you think that what we perceive is reality or just a construct of our minds? Can our minds correctly interpret reality or is reality subjective?

A student asked his teacher, “Master, what is real?” The teacher replied, “That is real which does not change.”

Do you think emotions are necessary for human survival? Why or why not?

Emotions are messages to our conscious mind that something is going on that needs to be addressed.

How would people communicate in a perfect world?

People would communicate with kindness.

If you were a pizza deliveryman how would you benefit from scissors?

I could freak out a person who might try to steal the cash I need to turn in upon my return to the restaurant.

What Motivates Me in Life

I am motivated by the belief that the Universe only allows us to live so long as we’re entertaining. And that, when we die, we just get absorbed back into Source. So, being alive is our only opportunity to be individuals. And, it is important to make the most of your time with loved ones while they’re alive; because, this is the only time that you will experience them as individuals.

My Nominations

Pointless Overthinking is a favorite blog of mine. Bogdan (DM) posts thought provoking daily questions, inspirational content, and interesting essays written by team members. Here is an example from his blog: What gives you joy?

Chickery’sTravels is a blog about life on the road as fulltime travelers. Sean and Julie address all aspects of RV travel including finances, cooking, maintenance, and sightseeing. Here is a post about one of their recent stops: Maverick Ranch (Lajitas, Texas)

dearinternetcats is a great blog that includes interesting topics such as consciousness, health, and life issues. temperate5kat writes in a very entertaining, relatable style. The post “Don’t Call Me Grandpa… really struck a chord with me.

Questions for my nominees

  1. Which historical person are you related to?
  2. What song/piece of music would play as your theme on the soundtrack of a movie about your life?
  3. What time period would have been more appropriate for you to have been born in based on your personality?
  4. If dog owners resemble their pets, what breed would your dog be?
  5. What’s the difference between a duck?

DBT Baptism by Fire

Jan 12

I live with my sister, her, husband, and their son. Yesterday, I left to come to my daughter’s house to be here today to celebrate my granddaughter’s 11th birthday. Last night my sister Messaged me, “Lisa and DJ, Carine !!!!!!!!” with a link to a news story about a man and a woman who were murdered in their home. I thought she was just sending us a link to a news story because it happened near where Lisa and DJ live. 2 hours later, I saw a post by my sister’s daughter-in-law stating that Lisa and DJ had been murdered. That’s when I realized that my sister had been trying to reach out to me.

I lost my mind and became very loudly and uncontrollably hysterical. My outburst understandably scared the crap out of my grandchildren. Fortunately, the 3 younger children slept right through it. The 3 older ones were scared, confused, and very worried. They have never seen Grandma lose her shit like that. My daughter and her husband were visibly shaken and were trying to comfort me and get me calm enough to explain to the girls what was happening. My daughter was upset as we have known Lisa since the 80’s. Even though Lisa was only an acquaintance of my daughter, it’s going to hit hard when someone that is more than someone you’ve just heard of is murdered.

Lisa had been over at our house just a couple of days ago bringing Christmas presents to our nephew after coming back from another State where she had spent Christmas with her dad. My brain just couldn’t handle that image of her happy face with the fact that she had just been murdered.

A half an hour into my uncontrollable reaction, I started putting some facts together in my mind that just caused me to feel heartwrenching pain and worry for the others more closely affected. Lisa’s mom had found her daughter and grandson dead! OMG! She’s 82 years old and in very poor health! Lisa’s brother is in poor health and has already had a heart attack only a few years ago! He has just lost his only sibling! The nieces and nephews! They are only aged 2 through 13! OMG! How will their little minds even be able to handle this?!

At that point, my daughter gave me a sedative. A half an hour later, I was just numb with disbelief. That’s when I received a text from my sister responding to my text apologizing to her and asking about everyone. She asked me to not come home for a few days because I might take things personally if they are upset and get short with me due to the trauma that they are going through.

Logically, I understand where she’s coming because that is a BPD tendency of mine. At the same time it hurts that she doesn’t want me there. I want to be there for her; but, I don’t want to make shit worse. I already feel like the most stupid person on Earth; because, I didn’t get what she was trying to tell me with her Message with the link to the news story. I should have been there for her.

This morning, when I woke up, my plan was to do whatever I could to get in a better frame of mind for my granddaughter’s birthday party. I didn’t want to ruin it for her. I went across the street to a friend’s house to talk it out and drink coffee to get to a place where I could be mindful at the birthday party and enter into the experience for the sake of my granddaughter. As I was telling the friend what had happened he said, “So, it’s not like it was your blood relative.”

Then, my sister asked me to take down Lisa’s picture that I had put up as my profile picture with the words, “Rest in peace, Lisa”. Because my sister’s daughter-in-law had posted that Lisa had been murdered, I thought it would be ok to post what I did. I thought wrong. My sister told me that her daughter was upset that I had done that. I am not immediate family to Lisa.

I called the peer support line and talked with someone who would have a better understanding of what I am going through. And, I emailed my therapist asking for an appointment sooner than the one I have scheduled on the 31st.

And, the party went well. My grandchildren are all happy. I, however, am experiencing a mix of emotions. My older granddaughter offered me the opportunity to take a nap in her room. I did. Upon waking, I told my daughter that I wish I had my own apartment so that I could cry outloud alone. She offered me the keys to her van to sit out there and cry. I did.

I’m grateful for the compassion that my daughter, son-in-law, and older grandchildren have been and are showing me. It’s just this damn BPD has me feeling like people have invalidated my right to my feelings and have rejected my love and support.

I have reached out to people who get this BPD thing. I’m grateful for the reminder that everyone deals with grief differently and that the best thing to do is be gentle with myself and them.

Jan 13

This morning, I was reminded of how we humans have been and are promoting a violent culture. I was woken up to the birthday girl laughing and saying, “I will murder you until you die from the pain” while playing her new video game. Her little sister became upset as she watched and said, “You just killed it’s mother!” right after the little one had pointed out the cute pony. The older sibling asked her why she had killed the horse. The response, “Because it was there.” The older sister said, “You didn’t even pick up the pelt.” To which she said, “I can’t. I have no where to put it.”

I know, I know. It’s just a kid. It’s just a game. And, she is unaware of the circumstances of my friend’s death. However, the context that my brain is functioning in right now in the wake of the murder of someone I care about…

And, when I go home, there is a teenage boy who is already a loudly vocal player of games that are very violently graphic and worse than the cutesy game my granddaughter is playing. And…now he’s angry. His aunt was just murdered. You can bet that he will work it out through his game. While this is completely understandable, I am hypersensitive and hyper-emotional under NORMAL conditions as someone who has BPD. I have only been recently diagnosed and begun training into how to regulate my emotions and manage my interpersonal relations. The Universe sure enough has just given me a DBT Baptism by fire. Distress tolerance skills will be my life raft until I get my own apartment.

My feelings are valid

My sister’s sister-in-law and nephew were murdered last night.

Since I’m not a blood relative and I’m not a part of ‘our family’, I feel like I’m silently being told, “Don’t feel. Don’t help. Stop trying to make this about you. You’re being overdramatic and ridiculous.”

I feel like an annoyance and an inconvenience. I need my own spot in the Universe between judgement and Source; so, I can just exist alone as me.

Is It or Isn’t It? Only Schrodinger Knows For Sure

I had this dream last night that Marilyn Manson and I were in an emotionally intimate relationship. I told him, “You can go fuck anybody you want. I don’t care; cuz, I don’t want that. But, save your intimacy for me.” We got along really, really well. We really, really loved each other.
Then, later, I found out that he was beginning to be emotionally intimate with some other person. I got really, really pissed off. So, I went off to hermit. He kept chasing me. I kept telling him to leave me alone. He said, “I can’t. When you can go off by yourself, I can’t even FEEL you while you’re gone.” I said, “When I need to go off by myself, I have to take all of me. I can’t leave any part of my essence behind with anybody. I have to be ALL by myself.”
When I came back, he kept trying to get me back into practicing magic. I said, “No. I don’t want to do that.” He said, “But, you have a talent for it.” I said, “I know; but, I don’t want to do that anymore.” He tried to get me set up back with my previous teachers. I didn’t want to see them. I just wanted them to go away; because, if they didn’t, I was gonna get violent. They keep pushing to try to get me back into it. So finally, I just ripped the serpent tail off of my ex-Queen Priestess. Marilyn had a scowl on his face and said, “Well, THAT was intense.” I thought he was disapproving of me. Then, he smiled at me and said, “I LIKE it!”