Over the last week, I found myself trying to explain to two different people how I feel emotions so intensely. In the past, when I’ve tried to get people to understand, I was usually met with, “Oh, I get that way”. They know that they feel strong emotions like sadness and anger. They think it’s the same. They fail to get the distinction between strong and intense. So, this week, I decided to use as my example the emotion of joy.
I told them that even feelings of joy are painful. Sometimes, the feeling is so intense that it almost physically hurts. I say, “That sounds crazy, right? Cuz, everyone wants to feel joy, right?” They both looked at me like I was insane. They were unable to comprehend that and they had no response. There was no, “Oh, I get that way, too”. I realized at that moment that using the example of joy was probably the best (and, maybe the only) way to get other people to try to understand the difference between how so-called normal people experience emotions and how someone with BPD experiences emotions.
(Editor’s note: at this point, I turned on my mic. No proofreading or editing done beyond this point.)
OK now things are gonna get a little strange I’m having a flood of feelings and thoughts my brain feels like it’s trying to multi task The last thing that popped into my head while I’m trying to figure out what to do about this flood of there’s a tornado feelings and thoughts they’re going to me right now is a Saint Francis is a prayer make me a channel of your peace part where he says to be understood as to understand and of always saw it and am pretty sure that most people think that that means to understand other people rather than wanting other people don’t understand you understand them to want to understand them more than you want them to understand you any nedis moment in time I’m feeling that the meaning actually is to seek to understand yourself more than wanting to understand wanting other people to understand you not understand other people more of understanding yourself more That makes a lot more sense to me right at this moment because just understanding them instead of wanting them to understand you yes that is a little bit of an improvement with your relationships however if you work to understand yourself more rather than wishing other people understood you I think that would be an even greater improvement on your relationships because understanding yourself more would help you to better relate to other people rather than just sitting and listening to them and in attempting to understand what they’re saying feeling that all when you OK now I’m losing my turn a thought oh my goodness so trying to explain to people about how people would be PD feel emotions more intensely I woke up on him to explain it on paper because I’m having intense emotions because of the past couple days at the past couple days have been really happy really Shando of joy intense joy in I don’t know how to get it get it over to of someone’s understanding what that physically feels like that it actually hurts physically because everyone wants to feel joy right and so a person with BPD while what vet right now for me because of these feelings I just wanna I just wanted I got my daughter’s house right now celebrating her birthday with her and my grandchildren and her husband and all I wanna do is go home I just wanna go home and go to bed be with my kitties just I need to get away from this and it just seems so stupid because why would know wanna be here when everything so happy and joyous in everybody’s smiling and laughing and and of thinking that the turn to understand it myself I’m thinking maybe that’s a something that’s hardwired into some of us because of the possibility of loss the possibility of it ending or being turned around and turning badd I mean misunderstandings people getting hurt feelings are people that you have experienced joy with eventually turning around in rejecting you and then you lose that joy maybe that’s the maybe that’s what this pain is all about is to avoid and even greater pain of loss of the joy I don’t know if that makes any sense So people with BPD can do be avoided when it comes to intense emotions and a when it’s not possible to avoid by removing themselves umm that’s where self harm can come into play as a district a distraction a physical distraction from feeling the intense emotional pain that hurts so badd it’s practically physical pain so cutting yourself distracts you from the emotional pain like Ah my dad and my former husband have both said on different occasions when I had an intense headache to calm my head hurt so badd and they’re like oh I want to stomp on your foot wet what know like well I’ll take you mind off your headache so that’s kind of like wet self harm is but then when you avoid emotions both what people call positive and negative you end up eventually feeling dead inside Dieter no avoiding it avoids of emotion so there’s nothing there’s nothing in there yours is no feeling that and your field you’re just you feel dead and then the self harm comes back around but like OK so I don’t wanna feel dead I want I just want feel something so I when I feel something so you might cut yourself so that you could actually feel something isn’t that you know that your not let you know that you eat you are a life you’re not dead so it’s a vicious cycle it’s like OK so you you use it as it just traction against feelings that are painful that actually almost physically hurt including joy and then you come back around and use it to feel weird when you’ve gotten to the point of feeling dead inside and then so you feel is are feeling and then you open yourself up to feeling again and then you gotta distract from feeling and then yeah my God is a vicious cycle it’s been such a joy so we can that this morning I just I just II just feel like crying like you know a power person cries when they’re when they’re sad depressed own overwhelmed and it feels like there’s no way out and it just doesn’t make any logical sense whatsoever and try and explain does do that to someone they probably think that I was is insane And now I’ve got Inna a few more days I got another weekend of intense family interaction and I don’t know even if I go home to day if 4 days is enough time for me to recover from this happy time to be able to endure another one it in another few days oh I don’t know and I I’ve kind of but myself endure the position of of being obligated to follow through with next weekend anyone to I want you especially because it’s my granddaughter’s birthday and I wanna be here for that in open up I bought a boat loader presents for the birthday party but the next day for after the birthday party is the holiday party with the restive my family members 1 of which you’re I’ve been of actively avoiding and I just don’t feel like after this experience is weekend that I’m prepared to face that II was so prepared when I made the plans to come to this party I was so prepared but I just I’ve been hijacked by this really awesome positive weekend that I think that’s what’s making me wanna cry again number 1 because I thought I was so ready and I’m disappointed in myself because I’m seeing that I’m actually not in number 2 because I wanna be able function like everybody else and in are just go from joyous experienced joyous experience joys experience but I can’t in in it also hurts because people just don’t get that they don’t it lives it’s too hard to comprehend too hard to comprehend just as it is like just like how mysteries of the universe are just be tone totally unfathomable fathom a balls to the human brain God it just wanna go home and go to bed II wish they had so 1 right here right now it is very moment who completely understood with this feels like and how mcginn it how out I get this this concept to crossed to my sister and her family without them getting better shape like I purposely trying to avoid them for whatever reason it that you know that they won’t take it personally are that they think I’m just attention seeking you know want them to feel sorry for me it’s on my God